The following is a dialog and thought process derived from a mother's story.

"Mommy, can I take my panties off outside?"? my 3 year-old daughter, Cindy,* asked as we walked across the street to our house; this followed her visit with her friend, Gretchen at her home, while her friends mother supervised them.

My mind raced to what could have possibly prompted her to ask such a question. In spite of my concern, I calmly asked, "What were you playing?"?

"Hide-and-seek, and Billy (Gretchen's brother, 13), was in the tree fort."?

"Did your panties get wet,"? I asked.

"No, Billy said, 'Take your panties off.'"?

"Did you?"?

"Gretchen took hers off."?

"Did you take yours off?"?

When we got inside, I asked her to show me what Gretchen did, to make sure I understood. With that my daughter pulled her panties down and 'mooned' the air with a bare bottom. I did not expect this demonstration.

"Did he touch you?"?

"No."?

My mind darted back to a few weeks earlier, when Billy had stayed with my daughter while I ran errands. After questioning her, I was confident no sexual violation occurred then.

Was this act by Billy and his sister's compliance an act of sexual abuse? If you said, "Yes,"? you fully understand the definition of sexual child abuse and its subtle forms. If you said, "No, this is only kids playing and goofing around,"? you are unwittingly allowing the subtle forms of sexual abuse to go unchallenged and thus it will continue.

According to the most definitive definition of sexual child abuse and incest, Billy sexually abused his sister, Gretchen, and her friend, Cindy.

"If it [the experience] is unwanted or inappropriate for her age or the relationship, it is abuse. If she is forced to see what she does not want to see that is abuse."? E. Sue Blume, Secret Survivors. See complete definition - Sexual Child Abuse/Incest Defined, www.ezinearticles.com or www.gen-assist.com/book.asp

Furthermore, this type of seemingly innocuous play is the ruse a perpetrator uses--albeit in this instance the perpetrator is a thirteen-year-old boy. The ruse is, 'We are playing, having fun. It's only a joke, can't you take a joke? Don't you want to have fun? Not only is this seemingly innocuous play a ruse, it serves as a way to desensitize someone to accept more aggressive control. If Billy is able to command his sister and her playmate to take their panties off, he will be able to command them to do anything he decides, when he decides because the pattern has been established once the child 'takes her panties off' at his command. Obviously, Gretchen had already been desensitized as she readily took her panties off at her brother's command.

This mother did not expect this behavior from this child nor this family. Billy's parents were pillars of the community and trusted neighbors, a college dean and a preschool administrator.

Unfortunately, Cindy's experience is more common than we could ever imagine. Further, the compulsion for Billy to act out sexual urges does not go away by itself. Therefore, without intervention, Billy would repeat this incident or he would escalate to overt sexual activity with his sister, Cindy or another child.

Fortunately for Cindy, she could protect herself because she understood the 'your body is yours' concept, which prompted her to question Billy's request and to clarify it with her mother at the first opportunity. Although, Gretchen complied with the request, through Cindy's belief that "the sanctity and control of your body are yours,"? she was able to resist and then clarify her experience. Cindy was one of the lucky ones; her mother had taught, demonstrated and enforced concepts of self-protection.

To protect your child from sexual child abuse/incest you need to know:

" The definition of sexual child abuse/incest;
" What to do;
" How to teach your child self-protection.

*All names have been changed.