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George Goebel was a television pioneer. He inspired Tom Smothers. His show was big in the 1950s and ... - John T Jones, Ph.D. |
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I caught grief when I wrote a column about Mexican Beggars from none other than another Mexican. Thi ... - Douglas Bower |
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Motorbike or Victor Hugo? Pupils may prefer the first, but teachers have to teach the second. I happ ... - Gabrielle Guichard |
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Have you ever noticed that fewer and fewer people are telling others to; Have a Nice Day! It seems t ... - Lance Winslow |
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What would the world be like without humor? Research has shown that the ability to laugh at ourselve ... - Jerry Aragon |
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One of mans greatest inventions has to be the staple, not the paper clip. Do you know why? Well it i ... - Lance Winslow |
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Some say life is like a box of chocolates, because 'you never know what you're going to get'. Others ... - Charlie Hatton |
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How do they start off so cute and sweet and end up driving you CRAZY??? I am a semi-crazy single mot ... - Christine Hensley |
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| Author: Danielle Hollister |
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- "Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie) - "It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie) - "Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."
-- Grace Allen (Gracie) - "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
-- George Burns - "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."
-- George Burns - "For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died."
-- George Burns - "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city."
-- George Burns - "Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
-- George Burns - "Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
-- Johnny Carson - "Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
-- Johnny Carson - "Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
-- Johnny Carson - "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food."
-- Johnny Carson - "The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."
-- Johnny Carson - "Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
Bill Cosby - ""Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it.""
Bill Cosby - "Fatherhood is telling your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all his fans, but has special feelings for the ones who eat broccoli."
Bill Cosby - "Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."
Bill Cosby - "I wasn't always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."
Bill Cosby - "Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first."
Bill Cosby - "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
-- Rita Rudner - "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
-- Rita Rudner - "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
-- Rita Rudner - "I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
-- Rita Rudner - "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner - "Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
-- Rita Rudner - "I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it."
-- Jerry Seinfeld - "No face, mouth open ... that is how the drug companies see the public."
-- Jerry Seinfeld - "On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'"
-- Jerry Seinfeld - "People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."
-- Jerry Seinfeld - "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."
-- Jerry Seinfeld - "Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
-- Steven Wright - "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
-- Steven Wright - "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright - "If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
-- Steven Wright - "Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here.""
-- Steven Wright
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